Striving at Home

I Remember When…

I remember when life was simple.  There was just me.  I’d do what I want, when I wanted.  I didn’t have anyone to share life with.  In this simplicity I desired more, but I constantly learned contentment in this life of just me.

I remember when the thought of you and me together entered my mind.   I had to hold my heart still.  The way I longed for you was different than before.  I was more aware, guarded, prayerful.  I loved our friendship so much.  I’d prayed, trusted, and accepted whatever turn our friendship would take.

I remember the day you asked me for my dad’s phone number.  The peace my heart had in knowing “Finally, he’s the one.”  Life wasn’t so simple after that.  It wasn’t only me, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

I remember the day we said “I do.”  The look in your eyes when you saw me on that wonderful day.  The covenant we made before God and our families.  When my last name changed forever, as well as the rest of my life.  “Me” became “We.”

I remember how my heart changed to God’s plan for our lives.  I remember His Peace when we were having a gift sooner than expected.  I wanted “you and me” for a little longer, but God’s plan changed mine.

I remember the first time I saw those little eyes.  Brand new, gazing on life for the first time.  Those little eyes gazing on your Mommy, and mine on you.  Holding you close, kissing your head.  All those things I couldn’t do for over 9 months.  Life became more complicated.  It wasn’t just “you and me.”  Now we had started a family.

I remember when we had news of our family growing.  It was exciting to share with our first.  We tried to explain what was going to be happening and how great of a big sister she was going to be!

I remember my husband holding me as we learned that God took our blessing to be with him sooner than expected.  Our hearts ached as we kept going back and forth on whether our second child was still here.  Once we knew for sure, our hearts grieved to not meet our child on this earth.  But we have hope that someday we will.

I remember when we had news again.  I was scared and hesitant.  I was excited and overjoyed.  I was cautious and bursting at the same time.  This one has remained on my womb.  This one gets to be held a little longer.

As we get older, we accumulate more “I remember when.”  When you look back, will you remember things with regret?  Will you realize how much you messed up?  I sometimes do.  In my singleness it was easy to look back with regret.  Am I going to do that as a wife and a mother?  God has graciously turned my regrets into learning experiences.  He has turned my struggles into strengths.  He has turned my messes into miracles.  I can look back with thankfulness instead of regret.

Years from now, when my kids are grown up and gone, am I going to look back on their lives with regret?  Am I going to pick apart how hard I was as a Mom?  Am I going to see that I wasn’t there for my kids deeply like I should have been?  Am I going to look at each time I messed up and say “You should have done better”?

No.

No regrets starts now.

As I add more “I remember when” to my list, I want them to be good.  I make that happen now as I create them.  When I’m old and have a lifetime of “I remember when,” you can bet they are going to be good.

It’s one way I choose to keep striving and thriving.

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